Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
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I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.