Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
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when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
lmfao
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Ape together strong
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line