Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
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Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.