[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
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confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”