Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.

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What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.


guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”


You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that


If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?


Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”


Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*

Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats


Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.


As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.