@MsLighthouseCat

Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.

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@causticbob

What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.

@KeetPotato

guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”

@chimneyspotter

You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that

@JocMaxedOut

If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?

@hadafewbeers

Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”

@squirrel74wkgn

Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*

Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats

@thedad

Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.

@Thedudish

As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.