@XplodingUnicorn

Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?

Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.

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@ashleyaustrew

4: “Mom, I’m gonna be just like you when I grow up and say bad words and eat French fries two at a time.”

@3sunzzz

Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!

Me: ah, the irony

Friend: What?!

Me: What?

@hilaryfairie

I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁

@MarlonBrandNO

Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES

Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date

Blind Date: WHAT

Me: Kind of like a big raisin

@Book_Krazy

Me: A bird just flew in the building.

CW: That means someone’s gonna die!

Me: *grabs letter opener

Her:

Me: I don’t make the rules Karen

@HunkyBeefy

“What has 8 arms, is ominous looking and ink is its weapon of choice?”
“An octopus?”
“No Jeff, the answer is my wife’s 4 divorce attorneys”

@envydatropic

I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks

@egg_dog

a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!

@iwearaonesie

son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?