4: “Mom, I’m gonna be just like you when I grow up and say bad words and eat French fries two at a time.”
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
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Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
“What has 8 arms, is ominous looking and ink is its weapon of choice?”
“No Jeff, the answer is my wife’s 4 divorce attorneys”
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?