Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
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Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.