Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
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I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
These are my roll models.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.