Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
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Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.