Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
You Might Also Like
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
“Sheer Arrogance”
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
🖤✌🏽