@LackOfShame

[text from friend)

Her: You doing okay?

Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?

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@thatdutchperson

I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.

@UncleDuke1969

[loud knocking]

“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”

Me: Prove it.

“HOW?”

Me: Sing “Roxanne.”

@SteveKoehler22

Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”

Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.

@anagramps

Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!

@Ivsy01

When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.

@kelkulus

Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.

@Gre_Gone

[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!