Me: It’s a beautiful night
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
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Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
“Ok. Don’t let her know you’re just 40 squirrels in human clothes”
“You said that out loud”