[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
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Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!