Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
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this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Who did this?
Ain’t no sandwich when she’s gone.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.