@LackOfShame

[text from friend)

Her: You doing okay?

Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?

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@Ideal_Victoria

Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!

@funnyordie

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew

@junejuly12

*orders sushi for delivery*

*throws towel over aquarium*

@mrjohndarby

[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much

[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see

@psybermonkey

[First date]

Her dad: I want her home before midnight

Me: but you already own her home

Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will

@Prof_Hinkley

Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish

@FeralCrone

I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”

@MarfSalvador

me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine

@Playing_Dad

Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.

@Sickayduh

[First date]

“Ok. Don’t let her know you’re just 40 squirrels in human clothes”

“You said that out loud”