@LackOfShame

[text from friend)

Her: You doing okay?

Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?

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@Burnam1

Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party

@AndrewChamings

this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him

@jwoodham

Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.

@DurtMcHurtt

Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.

Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY

@abuya_henry

Kitchen Rule No 1.

Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.

@bobvulfov

DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be

@AlisonChrista

Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?