[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
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I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”
Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!