@77StephanieG77

Text from mom: How’s my baby girl?

Me: I’m moving back in.

Mom: Your room is ready.

Me: No, your uterus!

Mom: Steph you drink too much

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@thestlouisan

My grandpa slept in snow in the Battle of the Bulge
& I’m considering throwing out this cup of water bc it has some tiny floaty things in it

@pineapplepleas

If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?

@NikiWithIssues

If Snow White can trick 7 men into supporting her, then I’m sure I can find at least one sucker to do that for me.

@Pumpkinbabypie

You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?

It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.

@ThisLocalHater

I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.

@chickenmclovin

Twilight drinking game rules:

1) drink 40 shots when you press play so you can die before the movie starts.

@215potter

My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.

@ashleyaustrew

You have -4 min to cook. Your ingredients are:
Goldfish
An apple w/ 1 bite out of it
Chicken you didn’t thaw
7 Legos
– Chopped: Moms Edition