ME: how do u get girls
SCUMBAG GUY: gotta brag about the size of ur, ya know…organ
[later at the bar]
ME: hey baby i got a real big colon
Text from mom: How’s my baby girl?
Me: I’m moving back in.
Mom: Your room is ready.
Me: No, your uterus!
Mom: Steph you drink too much
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Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
It’s disappointing when you watch a high school basketball game and no one turns into a werewolf.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Cats being cats.