My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
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If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh