@77StephanieG77

Text from mom: How’s my baby girl?

Me: I’m moving back in.

Mom: Your room is ready.

Me: No, your uterus!

Mom: Steph you drink too much

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@hippieswordfish

ME: how do u get girls
SCUMBAG GUY: gotta brag about the size of ur, ya know…organ
[later at the bar]
ME: hey baby i got a real big colon

@DanKCharnley

Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.

@FunnyBison

A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.

@cheeky__gal

It’s disappointing when you watch a high school basketball game and no one turns into a werewolf.

@tastefactory

[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*

@ericsshadow

STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.

@UncleDuke1969

“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”

@OrdinaryAlso

Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*