My grandpa slept in snow in the Battle of the Bulge
& I’m considering throwing out this cup of water bc it has some tiny floaty things in it
Text from mom: How’s my baby girl?
Me: I’m moving back in.
Mom: Your room is ready.
Me: No, your uterus!
Mom: Steph you drink too much
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If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
If Snow White can trick 7 men into supporting her, then I’m sure I can find at least one sucker to do that for me.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Twilight drinking game rules:
1) drink 40 shots when you press play so you can die before the movie starts.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
You have -4 min to cook. Your ingredients are:
An apple w/ 1 bite out of it
Chicken you didn’t thaw
– Chopped: Moms Edition