What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
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Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
#SuperBowl
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Alexa: *deep breath*
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)