Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
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14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
I hope it’s French Onion!
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.