My work here is done
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responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
what’s more important?
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.