[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
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#NeverForget
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.