[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
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I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
I wish I could veto my bills.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”