I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
You Might Also Like
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
For those that worship cheese..
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead