Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
You Might Also Like
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
This is not me but this is me
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.