@Sassafrantz

[text]
“Just saw this! I’d love to go to dinner!”
Him: That was 3 years ago, I have a wife & kid now.
“Bring ’em! Sister Wives is my jam!”

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@aotakeo

What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?

She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.

The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.

@AJslackie2

I met the woman of my dreams playing Pokémon GO then she got hit by a car.

@skittle624

I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.

@heyjaywolff

“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED

@jctwritesstuff

*gets up off bed*

*puts pants back on*

Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?

@iMikosnyc

Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.

@UnFitz

I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.

@TheIronSherk

[Ouija board]

O spirits, let me talk to m-

C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I

*squints*

What the heck?

A 3G board?

@wickedsuga

I won’t block you, but I will put a curse on you that you’ll never be able to finish a sneeze ever again for the rest of your life.