[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
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[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
not to brag, but mine was free
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.