[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
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DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend