[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
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I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
peak technology
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
good morning
I like crazy people until they notice me
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder