[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
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Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.