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18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
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After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?