@Keefler_Elf

texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her

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@AbrasiveGhost

WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis

“Why, did he buy a new car?”

WIFE: not yet

[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]

@Donnie_Fairburn

“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”

– The first horse ever ridden (probably)

@Home_Halfway

The Olympics are my favorite 3 week event where I get to harshly judge people way better than me.

@JohnLyonTweets

A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.

@jihyoskatara

white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages

@fro_vo

ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle

@IamEveryDayPpl

Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.

@DocAroundThClok

[Patient room]

ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell

@JCWisdomNuggets

“Paper or pl..”

..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…

“I’m not saying ‘me'”

ME! OMG we did it again!

“…”