texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her

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As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.

*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*


lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?

peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂

lost boys:

peter pan: so funny

lost boys: you’re a sociopath


Hey, we never talked in high school!

Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!



OBAMA: your resume says you think of the “best nicknames?”

ME: that’s right, Obama-nable snowman *finger guns*

OBAMA: [softly] holy shit


Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.

Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.


“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”

The priest replied, “I know. I saw your tweet!”


Swim swim swim breach surface fly through air catch seagull swim nom nom nom swim swim


I don’t believe in Bigfoot; because he never believed in me. I’d scan the crowd at my ballet recitals, and always see that one empty seat.


I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.


probably should have split this into two separate stories guys