Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”

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Being asked if you’ve read 50 Shades of Grey is like being asked if you’ve had steak at Applebees. You do know there’s actual steakhouses?


11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you

– cluckbait


saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ


DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.


For the record..when you get punched in the face..it doesn’t make that movie sound…at all.


The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false


i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses


No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.


Having my oil changed today, but I need proof it’s really changed. I’ve been hurt by oils before & I’m not going through that again.


“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*