Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
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My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong