@bartandsoul

Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”

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@cloudybones

Being asked if you’ve read 50 Shades of Grey is like being asked if you’ve had steak at Applebees. You do know there’s actual steakhouses?

@EJT___

11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you

– cluckbait

@MattOswaltVA

saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ

@jwoodham

DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.

@BBQJones28

For the record..when you get punched in the face..it doesn’t make that movie sound…at all.

@elonmusk

The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false

@Mostly_Cheese

i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses

@JohnLyonTweets

No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.

@jtrulez

Having my oil changed today, but I need proof it’s really changed. I’ve been hurt by oils before & I’m not going through that again.

@ItsAndyRyan

“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*