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Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
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Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.