Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
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I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?