Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
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*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
*aggressively waits in line*
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD