@mistakentweets

Texting…because men didn’t have a hard enough time understanding women before so we had to take away the ability to convey tone.

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@WilliamRodgers

When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver

@WilliamAder

Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?

@Eyevenger

Biden: “Jiraiya is in a better pla…”

Obama: “I don’t wanna talk about it”

@mydmac

I embrace aging gracefully

And bitterly

With good humor

And rage

@HackettKate

You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?

“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”

@trojansauce

GIRL: would you like to go out for dinner sometime?
ME:*nervously looks around*
MY MUM: *appearing from nearby bush* he only eats lunchables

@behindyourback

even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side

@sarcasticmommy4

“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.

5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.

@jonnysun

ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u