Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
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Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while