Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
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The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
doctor: no, “ahh”
I accidentally sent my kids to Mimecraft camp and haven’t heard from them since.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
I came, I saw, the neighbors complained.