@_davidlucas_

Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.

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@mdob11

“Cheer up”, I say, curing someone of depression.

@DaddyJew

*shows up to a knife fight with a bunch of cakes and settles everything*

@HavocMantis

Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

@freeDone01

My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.

@Izianikapani

How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?

@andrewnotsicko

3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75

Who decided to play Jumanji?

@JennyJohnsonHi5

My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.

@Darlainky

Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.

Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.