Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.

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Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.

Me: Yes, but do go on…


The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.


doctor: open up

me: it all started when my dad left

doctor: and say ahh

me: oh

doctor: no, “ahh”


I accidentally sent my kids to Mimecraft camp and haven’t heard from them since.


Damn girl, are you an octagon?

Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.


Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.