“Cheer up”, I say, curing someone of depression.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
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*shows up to a knife fight with a bunch of cakes and settles everything*
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
How did my operation go Doc?
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
A wild tiger roaming I-75
Who decided to play Jumanji?
He: is this love or what? She: What.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.