Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.

You Might Also Like


“Cheer up”, I say, curing someone of depression.


*shows up to a knife fight with a bunch of cakes and settles everything*


Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*


My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.


How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?


3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75

Who decided to play Jumanji?


My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.


Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.

Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.