Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
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My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
I’d rather go liquor treating.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.