“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
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Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Breaking news:
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.