kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
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App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
This is my favorite one of these!
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.