One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
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had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.