@panmidwest

[texting gf across the table from me so the people we’re making fun of won’t hear]

HER: hahaha
ME: i can see you & you did not laugh at all

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@TeaAndCopy

MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.

@tlemco

When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.

@XplodingUnicorn

My toddler took her toy phone and hit me in the head with it.

It was still less painful than a real phone call.

@SuperRandomish

[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]

*extended period of silence*

“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”

@shutupmikeginn

A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.

@egg_dog

HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot

@unravelingfire

Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.

@Smooheed

“When in doubt, drag it out”

– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies