[texting gf across the table from me so the people we’re making fun of won’t hear]

HER: hahaha
ME: i can see you & you did not laugh at all

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MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.


When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.


My toddler took her toy phone and hit me in the head with it.

It was still less painful than a real phone call.


[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]

*extended period of silence*

“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”


A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.


HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot


Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.


“When in doubt, drag it out”

– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies