@panmidwest

[texting gf across the table from me so the people we’re making fun of won’t hear]

HER: hahaha
ME: i can see you & you did not laugh at all

You Might Also Like

@DadandBuried

My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.

It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.

@ericsshadow

My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”

@LurkAtHomeMom

How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.

@curlycomedy

You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.

@LexReturns

The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.

@AbbieEvansXO

Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day

My patient: [bleeding out] when

@Kryzazy

Some people dream of doing great things with their lives, my dream is to have an alpaca named Al Pacacino.

@firebrand3

They say “Fake It Until You Make It”

How can you fake a dinner?

@RdrJay47

ME: (dead silent)

ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.

@bobvulfov

genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now