My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
[texting gf across the table from me so the people we’re making fun of won’t hear]
ME: i can see you & you did not laugh at all
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My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Some people dream of doing great things with their lives, my dream is to have an alpaca named Al Pacacino.
They say “Fake It Until You Make It”
How can you fake a dinner?
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now