Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
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3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
That’s incredible! 👌
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!