@stanleybehrman

Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.

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@delusions_of

If attacked by a bear play dead. If that doesn’t work play “Tiny Dancer”. Bears love that song.

@Mom_Overboard

They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.

@ibid78

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, Jesus turned it into wine.

@imagine_vegas

Girl, I like you so much, I might even let you hold my phone….some day, while its locked

@PickleRudd

How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”

@RdrJay47

Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.

Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.

@dorkwing_duck

[PRESS CONFERENCE]

Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby

Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?

Me: sure, whoever

@PakuluPapito1

*gets pulled over*

Officer: how high are u

Me: no officer, it’s hi, how are u

@TriciaLockwood

DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party

@TheAlexNevil

*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist