@stanleybehrman: Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
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@murrman5: Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What's that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
@NomDeBenoit: Airport Security: And how do you explain this? Me: That's my emotional support cocaine
@Darlainky: Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but... Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!