Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
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Traveler’s camo
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Otters see a butterfly.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]