Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
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“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
Most of your problems would disappear if you just turned off your phone. And I know you know that. But not me, bubba. I got jokes to write.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Dating over 40 is like Hide and Seek but no one is looking for you
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.