texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
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Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
I have never related to anyone more.
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up