Me: Why are you holding a fork?
Coworker: My toast is caught in the toaster.
*turns my chair to get a better view
Me: Carry on.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
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Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Impatient means she’s restlessly eager, inpatient means she lives in a mental hospital…
Learned that one the hard way.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
I’m on Twitter because my brother got a chemistry set for christmas when he was little and I got plaid pants.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk