@TweetPotato314

[texting my friend]

me: sorry I missed your party yesterday

friend: it’s today actually

me: read this again tomorrow then

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@drinksmcgee

Me: Why are you holding a fork?
Coworker: My toast is caught in the toaster.
Me: STOP!

*turns my chair to get a better view

Me: Carry on.

@TheToddWilliams

Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways

Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?

Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.

@Contwixt

Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.

God, or no god, those are good Brownies.

@SamDelanche

Impatient means she’s restlessly eager, inpatient means she lives in a mental hospital…

Learned that one the hard way.

@lecalabara

I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.

@XplodingUnicorn

In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.

@jwoodham

When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”

@BooFricketyHoo

I’m on Twitter because my brother got a chemistry set for christmas when he was little and I got plaid pants.

@KnownComment

If social media platforms were weddings:

FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception

IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback

Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk