Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.

2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!

I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.

“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”

🙏🏾

https://video.twimg.com/tweet_video/EUIOzOHWkAE6bpS.mp4

I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.

We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked

A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged

Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.

buyer: does this van have child locks

me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it

At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.

Couples therapist: what scares you the most?

Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other

Me: when the washing machine goes really fast

Bitcoin. Toothurt.

Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!

Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming

What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space

Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.

How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?

You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.

Me: Are you done cleaning?

7-year-old: No.

Me: So what should you be doing?

7: Hiding.

She cleans like me.

Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….

The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?

I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.

Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry

He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!

Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.

The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.

і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches

college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”

Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…

I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?

First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?

The dogs are drawn by their screams.

I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.