[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
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Should I call tech support or pray or what
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
oh you like architecture? name three walls
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground