@ShutUpThatsWho

[texting my wife from the barber]

WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:

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@garrydavenport

The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.

@sannewman

If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.

@girlwit0filter

My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.

@realHamOnWry

Home schooling is hard. Nine has been trying to teach me how her teacher does things all week.

@MikeLonghelt

They told me to spread love wherever I go.

Now everyone is complaining about being covered in Nutella.
You can never win with some people.

@mckaycoppins

My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.

On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”

@geowizzacist

Me: Everything ok?

My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.

@CrockettForReal

Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months

@Carbosly

I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.

– Viagra addict