[texting my wife from the barber]

WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done

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The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.


If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.


My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.


Home schooling is hard. Nine has been trying to teach me how her teacher does things all week.


They told me to spread love wherever I go.

Now everyone is complaining about being covered in Nutella.
You can never win with some people.


My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.

On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”


Me: Everything ok?

My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.


Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months


I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.

– Viagra addict