I took my turtle for a walk. It’s been six months and we are finally at the end of my driveway.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
You Might Also Like
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
Happy April, Fools!!!
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
[on the phone with cable company]
Me: how do I cancel my cable?
Rep: first you go to our website and look for our FAQ section-
*30 minutes later*
Rep: -and then you have to steal the Declaration of Independence to get to the map on the back. The map will lead you to a clue-
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Me: *loudly* why is everyone here a goth
Wife: quiet down you’re interrupting the funeral
Me: *whispering* why is everyone here a goth
I gave myself whiplash. It couldn’t be helped. Bohemian Rhapsody came on, and my kids weren’t gonna teach themselves how to head bang.