@Social_Mime

Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?

Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?

You Might Also Like

@Tuna_Lover

I took my turtle for a walk. It’s been six months and we are finally at the end of my driveway.

@rachelle_mandik

CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d

@Izianikapani

I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.

@RuinMyWeek

It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.

@CulturedRuffian

INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:

Happy April Fools!!!

VS.

Happy April, Fools!!!

@roxiqt

You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.

@JustDontBugMe

[on the phone with cable company]

Me: how do I cancel my cable?

Rep: first you go to our website and look for our FAQ section-

*30 minutes later*

Rep: -and then you have to steal the Declaration of Independence to get to the map on the back. The map will lead you to a clue-

@sarcasticmommy4

When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”

@captainkalvis

Me: *loudly* why is everyone here a goth

Wife: quiet down you’re interrupting the funeral

Me: *whispering* why is everyone here a goth

@MAB1013

I gave myself whiplash. It couldn’t be helped. Bohemian Rhapsody came on, and my kids weren’t gonna teach themselves how to head bang.