Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
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Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.