@hellohappy_time

[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline

You Might Also Like

@SondraDeeMe

I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.

@dadmann_walking

5: can i play the wii?

me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?

5:

me:

5: but she’s still sleeping!!

me: i don’t want to die today.

@JohnFugelsang

If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.

@FeelingMervis

Find someone who can make you happy, like a doctor or pharmacist….basically anyone who has access to mood-enhancing drugs.

@skedaddle74

Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.

@JohnLyonTweets

Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.

@JoshontheGo

I’ve worn glasses three quarters of my life, but I still manage to poke myself in the eye every now and then putting them on!

@thevaginadiary

I used to think sex in those apocalyptic movies was so dumb cuz who would want sex when everything’s going to shit? I do, I want sex.. I changed my mind.

@shadygrenade

“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”

*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*

“Ah nuts that was a good one.”