[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
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Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
The French word for sex is croissant.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.