A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
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My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean