@huntigula

[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ?? murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone

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@huntigula

confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”

@theshantilly

“I know exactly how you feel.”

*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman

@ceejoyner

Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.

@pplwtching

Sober me:

It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.

Drunk me:

A urinal! *pees in sink*

@tsm560

Her: [slow winks] The only place I take orders is right here… in the bedroom.
Me: I’d really love a BLT.

@Paige__xxx

*Refuses to go to the gym

Adds resistance training to workout list.

@MooseAllain

Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.

@0point5twins

STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?

TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.

STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.

@meganamram

“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear