[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ?? murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone

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confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”


“I know exactly how you feel.”

*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman


Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.


Sober me:

It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.

Drunk me:

A urinal! *pees in sink*


Her: [slow winks] The only place I take orders is right here… in the bedroom.
Me: I’d really love a BLT.


*Refuses to go to the gym

Adds resistance training to workout list.


Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.


STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?

TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.

STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.


“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear