You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ?? murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
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Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
a nice chianti
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what