@huntigula

[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ?? murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone

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@lcwf70

You said imagine my life without you…

So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.

@PinkCamoTO

Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.

@SvnSxty

*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*

fava beans
a nice chianti
dave

@ValGyorgy

Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over

@TheTweetOfGod

“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.

@brennadine

[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER

@shariv67

I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.

@crocodilethumbs

Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude

Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?

@mean_spice

[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what