Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
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That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out