Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
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My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Oh no
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
describing stardew valley
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.