*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
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*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
The fall of Netflix
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’