@divergentmama

[Texting with husband]

Him: I hate when you correct me and make feel like an idiot. Your lucky I love you so much

Me: awwww *you’re

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@AnkCoupleTO

[coming out of coma]

Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*

@LoveNLunchmeat

STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?

@3sunzzz

H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.

M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!

H: Have you been day drinking?

@girl_a_whirl

I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.

WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???

@fro_vo

Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold

@david8hughes

[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that

@INeed_AnAdult

It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.

@Stella1070

I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.

@BoomBoomBetty

Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.

@UncleDuke1969

*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*

*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*