Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
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I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊