The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
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“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Customer is always right
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
*pokes sex life with a stick
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.