@divergentmama

[Texting with husband]

Him: I hate when you correct me and make feel like an idiot. Your lucky I love you so much

Me: awwww *you’re

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@envydatropic

So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….

@MommaUnfiltered

Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.

And now someone’s texting him.

@Aman93deep

My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.

@fahmitsu

Twitter is the best detective game because you’ll login and see people are angry, and it’s your job to find out what’s happening or who’s the culprit of this madness by collecting facts and clues from your timeline.

@DevilryFun

Interviewer: We offer great benefits.

Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?

@Barknado69

Tin Man: I want a heart

Cowardly Lion: I want courage

Scarecrow: and a brain

Me: lemme get uhhhhhh

@Daveastated

I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.

@tiemoose

[undercover as a mom]

Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now

Other moms: *narrow eyes*

Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months

@sixfootcandy

Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?

@lacybronze1

I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial