You take the oxy out of oxymoron
ex: your friends were looking at me really strange at the game.
me: yeah well I told them you died in a hot air balloon accident.
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[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
*throws king crab into tank of normal crabs*
Go, lead them to freedom, this is your birthright
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
Hi, I’m Zack. You might remember me from HR meetings such as, “We Don’t Even Need to Watch the Security Tape to Know It Was You”
I don’t need a personal trainer as much as I need someone to follow me around and slap unhealthy food out of my hands. :/