@Sassafrantz

[texting]
ex: your friends were looking at me really strange at the game.

me: yeah well I told them you died in a hot air balloon accident.

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@jonnysun

[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS

@WarrenHolstein

Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.

@KentWGraham

We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”

@PaperWash

me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall

Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived

@DillDoes

*throws king crab into tank of normal crabs*
Go, lead them to freedom, this is your birthright

@l0ttiehall

Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.

@justabloodygame

A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.

“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.

@Mr_Kapowski

Hi, I’m Zack. You might remember me from HR meetings such as, “We Don’t Even Need to Watch the Security Tape to Know It Was You”

@jjlob7

I don’t need a personal trainer as much as I need someone to follow me around and slap unhealthy food out of my hands. :/