Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
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I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?