@Sassafrantz

[texting]
ex: your friends were looking at me really strange at the game.

me: yeah well I told them you died in a hot air balloon accident.

You Might Also Like

@Loli_Sug

When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.

@samalmightysam

”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar

@McGrumpenstein

Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident

@jjhartinger

[Commercial for Legos]

Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?

@PaperWash

“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”

Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL

@TedBundybitch

Always the best looking one in the room.
*Restroom
**Restroom stall whatever

@JohnLyonTweets

Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.

@captainkalvis

ME: let’s go to the International House of Pancakes
GERALD (a bunny): Ihop?
ME: you can do whatever you want, gerald, i’m getting pancakes

@linkindrinkin

professor x: whats your superpower

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale